Ministry of Presence

Well, I now have two weeks of CPE under my belt and I must admit, it has been a fascinating experience. I am still adjusting and learning how to handle my newest classmates that come from far different life experiences and denominational history than I do. I am learning, as I am sure they are, to work together as a group, but I am confident that we will do just fine as a group.

Within my first two weeks of being a “chaplain intern,” working rounds and responding to various issues and emergencies, I have had many experiences and conversations that have been profound, deep, and I can already tell, the transformation of Chris, the seminary student/student pastor, is rapidly taking place. When I say transformation, I mean that these experiences are continually developing me into a better pastor, better leader, and most importantly, a better person. The most profound and life-changing experience I have had so far was recently when I was in the room when a patient died. I must admit, this was a profound and intense experience. I have never been in the same room when a person dies. I have officiated funerals and I have been to funerals so I have seen deceased people but to be there in the room, to see the raw (but surprisingly controlled) emotions of the family as this person passed away and to see the body lying there, not made up, not embalmed, not in a casket was truly a surreal experience to say the least. I had great compassion for the family and truly felt a deep sadness as the family grieved and began making plans.

For the first time in my young pastoral career, I truly practiced a “ministry of presence” to the family. If you would have walked into that room you would have found me standing in the corner with a tissue box, trying to blend into the wallpaper as best I could. There was nothing I could have said to the family to ease their pain. I knew that and I am pretty sure they knew that too. I did pray with the family when they asked, but to be quite honest, that was basically the extent of my speaking. I listened when someone spoke, handed out tissues to those that were in need of one, and provided a shoulder to cry on. So I was there, didn’t say much and honestly I don’t remember saying anything of real substance (outside of the prayer… maybe…) but the family expressed deep appreciation when they left and I was left feeling that ministry had happened and that God was truly there with us, even in the midst of death. I did, though, want to say, “I didn’t do anything,” but the more I thought about it, the more I felt God telling me, “yes, you did more than you will ever know.” For that, I am thankful and I am comforted.

While I was in the room and in the midst of the situation, I felt good. I was not as freaked out as I thought I would be. I was able to care for the family in a way that they needed and overall I felt my ministry to them, looking back, was successful. When I left the room, I felt myself coming down from an adrenaline kick. It was hard for me to focus the rest of the evening. I made a couple more visits that evening but then I just had to retreat back to the “night room” and call it a night. That event affected me more than I gave it credit for earlier in the evening. I had witness a person died right in front of me. I distressed by reading and watching my typical late night comedy shows (The Daily Show and The Colbert Report). The majority of my evening devotion/prayer centered on this event and then I struggled to get to sleep. The next morning I was able to “debrief” about my experience with my supervisor, which helped greatly. Once I was able to talk to my supervisor about it, I was able to realize my feelings about it and I was able to move on from it (but I will never forget it). The rest of my shift was uneventful and for that I was extremely thankful.

Does this death make me dread CPE? Absolutely not. In fact, I appreciate CPE and chaplaincy even more with this experience. This experience has taught me valuable lessons on the fragility of life, the importance of family, and the sanctity of life at the final stages. This experience also has given me an even greater appreciation for hospital chaplains and funeral home directors who face life in the face of death every day. I don’t think I will ever do chaplaincy as a full time ministry opportunity but this experience and the other experiences I have had are invaluable to my continued growth and development as a pastor.

The coming weeks are going to get adventurous for me. Stay tuned as I report from different places like Bloomington, Indianapolis, Muncie, and Bathesda, MD in the coming weeks.